1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
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He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
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I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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