she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
if only i could text you this smell
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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