I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
