I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I enjoy the company of your penis
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
