Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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