I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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