Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
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