I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
