Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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