she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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