I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
