I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
