I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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