Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
