Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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