please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Randomize
