My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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