Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
