I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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