He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
