I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
