I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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