Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
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You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
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I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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