So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
