so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
