whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
