Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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