He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
