You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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