he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to