I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
