Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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