WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
