The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
