I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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