I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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