Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
