yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
