You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
