I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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