I understand Curling. That high.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
