How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
