Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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