I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
