Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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