I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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