Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
