so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
