He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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