I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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