She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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