omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
