my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
