I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
