I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
